Below are the 7 most recent journal entries recorded in missjooleeyah's LiveJournal:

Sunday, November 27th, 2005
10:33 am	bright spots after dark days. im holding on to that. let's just get this over with dear. (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 29th, 2005
8:44 pm	i promise not to always write only depressing things in my livejournal. it just so happens that the only things i need to write are difficult unhappy thoughts, if they were happy i probably wouldnt express them in writing, i would just be out being happy. see what i mean? (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 27th, 2005
7:27 pm	i dont want to be so plain now i want to be a writerpainterartistsingersongwriterpoliticandipolomatteacherstudentpresidentoftheunitedstateschangetheworlddontbequietanymore im so tired of tired, i need to get up move around run around fly a kite be happy again. everything moves so fast faster than i can see the world go by in flashes of lights over and over again Current Music: jimmy eat world (Comment on this)
Monday, October 17th, 2005
9:54 pm	ahh I am having a...DAY. one of THOSE days. but its good because there is air to breathe and another chance to live another day, thank you joel, you inspire me so much it makes me sick. im making myself sick, im sick sick sick of being sick....im happy but im sad, im smart but im stupid, im peaceful but im anxious, im focused but im confused, im lonely but im surrounded by people, im loving but i cant accept love, im generous but i cant accept gifts, im self destructive but i love myself. im a contradiction. so what next? honestly i just want to lay down and watch a movie and someone can rub my tummy because my stomach is killing me Current Music: elliot smith (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 16th, 2005
8:29 pm	I'm tired. but it kind of feels good to be tired. at least I have so much to do, it keeps me from doing...well other things. I've become so so much more responsible nowdays, I actually feel like I'll have plans that dont end at next week hah...I really want to decide what to do with my future, and to know what I'll be shooting for.It would be interesting to be a chef in london or paris or wherever I feel like and to focus on being a person of the world and to travel and see things, but I dont think that would be anything but selfish. To do that for my own personal enjoyment and gain and not to take that money and use it for something more useful, that just seems selfish. Besides there is enough for me to do in san jose, Cirque de Soleil will be here next week. who am i kidding though, I would LOOOOOOVE to travel more, I guess we'll see if the circumstances bring it up. and if there's one thing that I've learned as I get closer to God is that you just can't know. I'm not used to all this uncertainty and having a mentality of discipleship where you just up and leave if you have to, or you do this or do that on whims. Well whims is the wrong word, but on demand. I had something really awesome happen last week or so. I had to have this conversation with someone and it was extremely intimidating to be honest. I mean I love this person i had to talk to, adore even, but the subject matter isn't something i'm enjoying adressing. and i sat down to pray and i for the first time I asked god specifically, what should i do. what should i do for this person,what should i say. and i tried to find peace and settle on one solution, and i got the only anwser i didn't expect. I heard an actual voice, a loud man's voice say the words "seek me". and i thought in my head again 'okay ill do that, but should I do this or that?". and again, but louder and forcefully, "seek me" i heard. so i just stopped praying and felt fine. I can see more clearly now,that all I need to do is seek him. it sort of dumbs it down for me doesnt it? God knows me perfectly, how I can be so controlled by my own emotions and how ill overanalyze and worry and try to work things out instantly and to have them the way i think i need them,and those are all ways of trying to control your own life because you're too afraid to let go and trust God to do it for you. and this situation that is especially bringing me down and making me into somebody i never used to be, crazy and sad and needing the love of another, well if i keep trying to control it and ask what if what if what if, it will eat me up. so who cares what if anymore, there's only one single certain thing and that is to SEEK HIM. so thats what ill do now.no more analyzing,no more thinking i know whats right. and I think I need to start getting rid of all the things that keep my heart away from god. For example my music. I'm crazy about my cd's, I have like over 100, and I'm so into my music and having just the right bands that I think are talented or progressive or whatever, but the point is that they dont really have much to do with me being closer to god. so i think tonight ill go through them and throw out all the ones that are just going to be a block to making my mind numb to hearing god or to make me think of other things. my books are the same way, i love my books, but alot of them have alot in them that aren't anything to do with god. i dont even feel like im making a sacrifice, i just want to write down this so i can look back in my own journal and remember that I do this for a reason. all of this is for a reason. I want to be something more than this. I want to be in love with god. Current Music: MuteMath (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 11th, 2005
6:55 pm	how to be shot down when you've already fallen I am so so so so so so so blessed to have as many people who care for me as there are. I would be blessed if I only had one great person who cared for me, but as it is I'm not a lonely person who hasn't ever built bridges to other people, I thank each and every individual person who has ever shown kindness to me, especially when they didn't have to. Big parts of my life are only possible because of the kindness of someone else who wasn't forced to hold my hand, or for that person to push me forward or want me to advance, whether it was freinds, family, teachers, whoever really. I'm trying very hard to remember that everything does end up okay in the end, and if its not okay then it probably isn't the end. It's so incredibly difficult right now being seperated from someone so dear to me, but I have to believe that if this is something that I made a decision on my own to have before and it wasn't given to me under God's hand, then isn't it very possible and almost certain that if I were being given something like it under God's hand that it would be a thousand times better. Or at least if not a thousand times better in some other place or some other situation, this situation I have before me can be made clean by God. Maybe I can't walk backwards and relive moments in my life when I felt that I was so happy, but most of them were brief anyways. From what I know of God he wants me to give this to him. I need to give up my addiction to this relationship and this love. I'm practically disgusted with myself for calling it an addiction but I'm not sure how else to rationalize what this feels like. I used to consider my life to be generally happy but also generally troubled and interspersed with moments of ridiculous sadness, but nowadays I feel more like a numb sad life interspersed with moments of painful laughter. I know this is just a hard time, and I've been through hard times before. But I don't want to just harden up and have a shell laying over my wound, and all it takes is for that eggshell to be broken and people can see the bleeding underneath, that it never really became healed they just couldn't see it anymore.and you dont just get other wounds, its being cut deeper and deeper. I've learned thats about all most people become capable of on their own. It seems to me that God heals wounds fully and yes you get another cut after that but He'll heal that as well. for what? i hope his grace and love for me, i certainly don't feel I deserve anything. God really didn't regard my plans in this situation, my plans arent particularly important. today was one of another I'll file into the most painful days of my life. I feel like I don't have any direction whatsoever, and its hard to see outside of pain when it blinds you and drags you to the ground crying whether you like it or not. but I'm still a person at the end of the day. I still have a heart, and I still have things I love and in this world he still loves me even if I couldnt have things like I want them, I have to not become embittered and angry, and for what point? Would God ever use that? so I may cry and hurt as much as I wish but at some point I have to look outward, upward. what will all this pain be for if nothing good comes of it? I know that you aren't doing this to me for no reason. if you say that you have to do this, then I'll let you. And I'll always be here. I could never deny that I'll always be there. you know who you are and you know how much I love you. at the end of this thats all there is to say. (Comment on this)
Monday, October 10th, 2005
5:39 pm	okay so this is my journal now. at least online, I have like 3 other ones outside of this, how sad hmm? let's see there's the purple one that I write all the shoot yourself in the head its so cheesy/sad stuff in, there's the one that I received from my wonderful brother shawn that I use for writing notes on sermons, and there's the one that I can't write a single thing in. It sits there empty. Thats the one Joel gave me. Maybe its just too beautiful to write in.or maybe I just dont know what to put. If thats not symbolic I dont know what is. this can be my new online one, and hopefully not all the people in the world find you, I've changed online journals 4 times already and you might say well why not just not have one, well I dont know the anwser to that question, I just like having one online. I type about a thousand times faster than I write, which is about how much I think. So let's see. Right now I feel like I'm just about one of the worst kinds of people there are. My life isn't in crisis. My life is actually relatively pleasant. Yet I'm the tortured girl, ridden with guilt by the works by my own imagination, restlessness, my loves, etc etc. what happens to people that at some point they realize they don't know anything about anything anymore? I've never really known anything about anything, and all of life experience come to represent a person who doesn't know what to do with themeselves. Imagine how many thousands and thousands of people feel just like I feel, walking around with no reason or purpose, lonely and sad because they wish for things they can't have and can't control. They're all thousands of tiny individual moments peicing together into one disposable jumble, people so afraid to let go of themselves and be out of control. This isn't who I meant myself to be. But I never said that to myself until I met somebody who thought I was above what I was doing. and how do you maintain a level of coping when you've lost the sweetest thing you had all for the world, only to find that you're about to find something that's so far away from that world, and wishes you to be in another. I can't justify my indecisiveness, I can't explain how I'll get over this pain that I feel or those tears that come, but at least its a step isnt it, at least I'm still feeling, and for all of it I've learned so little. It gives me an idea of if I went through all of that lately, and learned a few things, it takes years to become a person with complete faith in God. Or if it so happens maybe it's so easy for some people. Or maybe even I'm just crossing this first big step, and I have no idea what happens after this, and yes I'm scared and confused and the only clear path I have makes me take the next step forward even though I feel like a little child and I'm not strong Julia anymore and yes I'm at a loss, maybe I need to become a blank canvas so that I can be broken in a way that God can use, not just broken in pain that will return out of desperation, but broken in pain that I wouldn't want to be a part of anymore. I can't make myself ask why so much anymore. I'm exhausted. God I can't go against you anymore. I can't fight that you're there. I can't fight that. I can't lie to myself. I can't hide from you. I can't let myself fall into my own lies that you aren't there and you don't exist somehow, I can't believe that's real. I want to lay down my pride and learn who you are finally. For all my humanity, for all of my being a creature of my own emotions, that's not what I was created to be on it's own. Current Music: aqualung (Comment on this)